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Parenting Apart Newsletter
by
Christina McGhee
divorce coach
and
parent educator
In This Issue
· Feature article:
Issue 5 "Arranging Summer Activities for children"
For more tips on handling the summer click here to visit
Christina's blog.
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Arranging summer activities for
children
As the
school year comes to a close, many families are already in the throes of
dealing with new schedules and lots of changes due to the upcoming summer
months. It's a time of the year when tensions can run high for parents as
they try to plan vacations, schedule holidays and special activities or
register children for summer camps. Often working out arrangements, along
with negotiating who pays for what, can easily put parents at odds with
one another. More importantly, it also opens the door for children to get
caught in the middle of summer related disputes.
As a result, this
month's newsletter offers tips and suggestions on how to balance summer
activities, schedules and your relationship with the other parent.
Tips arranging summer
activities for children
Consult the other parent
before making plans
Whether an activity
involves the other parent or not, be sure to consult and or provide them
with information. While you may not feel it's your responsibility to keep
your ex in the loop, for children it's best when both parents can be
supportive of their activities and share in the excitement. Additionally
it's one thing for a parent to chose not to be supportive, it's another
thing entirely not to give them the chance.
Possible
problem:
Jack called to talk to his twelve year old daughter,
Megan. When he asked, "How was your day?" Megan started talking about how
excited she was about going to camp this summer. Jack was totally caught
off guard; he didn't know anything about Megan going to camp. Instead of
being able to share in Meagan's enthusiasm, the conversation quickly
turned into an interrogation session. Since Meagan's Mom hadn't bothered
to tell him about the camp, Jack decided to get information directly from
Meagan. As a result, Jack began asking Meagan lots of questions like,
"When was this decided? Who's paying for camp? When are you going? Why
didn't your Mom tell me about this?"
Possible solution:
Although Jack was caught
off guard by Meagan's news, he responded by saying, "Wow, it sounds like
you are really excited about going to camp. I guess I should get in touch
with Mom to see if there's anything I can do to help out." While Jack was
annoyed that his ex didn't discuss summer camp with him, he made an effort
not to share his irritation with Megan.
Don't make plans during
the other parent's time
If your children are
interested in a summer activity that will affect the other parent's time,
talk to your ex before signing the registration form. Avoid committing
children to a scheduled event and then make your ex the "bad guy" when
they aren't willing or able to rearrange their schedule.
Possible problem:
Bobby really wanted seven year
old Alex to take swim lessons. However, he decided to avoid the fight with
Mary and just signed Alex up for weekly lessons without talking to her.
When Alex told Mary about the swim lessons, she was furious. Mary called
Bobby up and insisted he withdraw Alex from the class. There was no way
she could take off of work every other week and drive across town to take
Alex to a one-hour lesson. Bobby refused to change his mind.
Alex
only goes to swim lessons every other week.
Possible
solution:
Bobby found out about swim lessons. Before signing
Alex up, Bobby sent Mary information about the program and asked if she
would be willing to take him on her weeks. Bobby also let Mary know if
transportation or scheduling was a problem, he would be willing to work
something out.
Communicate
directly with the other parent, not through the children
When tensions run high or differences come up, it can be
tempting to avoid talking with the other parent and relay information
through the children. Sharing information between households is a burden
children should not have to bear. Also, if there is a disagreement don't
make the mistake (especially with your older children) of sharing your
side of the story to justify your position.
Possible problem:
Johnny made the high school
football team and wants to attend a special summer workshop for new
players. Mom told Johnny he needs to discuss the details with his Dad.
Instead of talking to Dad herself, she told Johnny he needed to ask his
Dad for money. Last time Johnny asked Dad for money, he blew up and
started ranting about how Mom could afford more if she would just get a
"real" job.
Possible solution:
Johnny told Mom
about the summer football workshop. Mom let Johnny know she would talk
with Dad about the workshop to see what they could work out. She then sent
an email to Dad with information about Johnny's workshop and shared how
excited he was about making the team. In the email she asks Dad if they
could share the expense.
Don't tip the scales
When a possible
activity comes up that interests your children, don't set the other parent
up to be the "fall guy." For example, "I would really love for you to be
involved in the Boy Scouts camping trip this summer. But it's really up to
your Mom to say yes. You can't do it unless she is willing to reschedule
her time and pay half."
Instead, it would be more helpful to say,
"The Boy Scouts camping trip would be lots of fun but before we can make
plans, I need to talk with Mom to see if we can work out the
details."
Do your best to be
flexible
While you can't control how the other
parent handles the situation, do what you can to shield your children from
disagreements. If the issue is money, decide what you can afford and let
the other parent know how much you are willing to contribute. When a
problem comes up, think how the situation feels for your children. If the
activity is something that will ultimately benefit them, do what you can
to be supportive even if it doesn't feel fair.
Know when to let go and take a higher
road
There may be times when despite your best
efforts you simply cannot resolve a difference with the other parent. In
those situations, know when to cut your loses and take a higher road.
If the other parent won't participate in adjusting the schedule or
helping with the cost, then you may need to make an executive decision.
When making that decision do your best to avoid creating further conflict
for your children (i.e. If Mom/Dad won't help pay for tennis lessons then
you may need to see what you can do on your own and leave the other parent
out of it.)
Keep in mind, if you do make the decision to foot the
bill or juggle your schedule, don't use it as way to get back at the other
parent. While summer camp may be a wonderful experience for Suzy, it
probably won't be wonderful for very long if Suzy has to listen to what a
bum Dad is for not paying half.
Bottom line, make your
children's needs more important than your need to be right or justified.
Call to Action:
If you are faced with a
difficult situation regarding summer arrangements, use the following
questions to gain some perspective.
* Is this an activity that
will benefit my child?
* How important is this to my
child?
* How will my child feel if we get into a disagreement over
this?
* What can I do to achieve the best possible outcome for my
child?
Use your answers to guide your choices in making the best
decision for your children.
Parenting
Apart, is written by Christina McGhee.
Copyright 2009 divorce and
children, LLC. All Rights Reserved,
Re-printable only when full credit
is given.
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